Funny Gambling Photos
If you’re a gambler, quote us on this: The odds are you’ll love these funny gambling quotes. Who wouldn’t go double-down on a page of funny quotes amount gamblers and betting? No crapping out here!
PAGE INDEX
- Funny Gambling Quotes …
GENERAL - Gambling — Funny Quotes …
AT THE TABLES - Gambling Quotes — Funny …
TIPS FOR THE GAMBLER - Funny Quotes about Gambling …
PLAYING THE PONIES - Funny Gambler Quotes …
FROM MOVIES AND TV - Funny Gambling Quotes …
FROM THE ‘BEYOND ROOM’ - Also See:
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Funny Gambling Quotes …
GENERAL
‘Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.’
‘I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That’s how I lost my mind.’
‘The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.’
‘The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable that I assume it must be evil.’
‘Gambling promises the poor what property performs for the rich — something for nothing. ‘
‘Someone once asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.’
‘In Louisiana, we don’t bet on football games, we bet on whether a politician is going to be indicted or not.’
‘Last year people won more than one billion dollars playing poker. And casinos made twenty-seven billion just by being around those people.’
‘I don’t gamble, because winning a hundred dollars doesn’t give me great pleasure. But losing a hundred dollars pisses me off.’
‘Casinos and prostitutes have the same thing in common; they are both trying to screw you out of your money and send you home with a smile on you face.’
‘Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.’
‘No wife can endure a gambling husband — unless he is a steady winner.’
‘A Gentleman is a man who will pay his gambling debts even when he knows he has been cheated.’
‘If you ain’t just a little scared when you enter a casino, you are either very rich or you haven’t studied the games enough.’
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Funny Gambling Quotes …
AT THE TABLES
‘When your opponent’s sittin’ there holdin’ all the aces, there’s only one thing to do: kick over the table.’
‘If you’re playing a poker game and you look around the table and can’t tell who the sucker is, it’s you.’
‘In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.’
‘Baccarat is a game whereby the croupier gathers in money with a flexible sculling oar, then rakes it home. If I could have borrowed his oar I would have stayed.’
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Funny Gambling Quotes …
TIPS FOR THE GAMBLER
‘There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one.’
‘The safest way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.’
‘No dog can go as fast as the money you bet on him.’
‘The best throw with the dice is to throw them away.’
‘In the case of an earthquake hitting Las Vegas, be sure to go straight to the Keno Lounge. Nothing ever gets hit there.’
‘Don’t gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don’t go up, don’t buy it.’
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Funny Gambling Quotes …
PLAYING THE PONIES
‘I bet on a horse at ten-to-one. It didn’t come in until half-past five.’
‘A race track is a place where windows clean people.’
‘Nobody has ever bet enough on a winning horse.’
‘You know horses are smarter than people. You never heard of a horse going broke betting on people.’
‘One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.’
‘A racehorse is an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time.’
‘Horse sense is a good judgment which keeps horses from betting on people.’
Funny Gambling Quotes …
FROM MOVIES AND TV
From 101 Dalmatians: The Series
Cruella de Vil: ‘Memo to myself: Give up gambling. It’s wrong… especially if you lose money.’
From Star Trek
Spock: ‘Captain, I’m beginning to understand why you Earthmen enjoy gambling. No matter how carefully one computes the odds of success, there is still a certain exhilaration in the risk.’
From Casablanca
Captain Renault, pretending to be surprised during a Nazi inspection of Rick’s: ‘I’m shocked — shocked! — to find that gambling is going on in here!’
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Funny Gambling Quotes …
FROM THE ‘BEYOND ROOM’
‘I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling, I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.’
‘Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.’
‘God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of his own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players, to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a dealer who won’t tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.’
‘One of the healthiest ways to gamble is with a spade and a package of garden seeds.’
THE EVER-POPULAR TORTURED SEGUE
RESILIENT DUKES AND THE HAZARDS OF BOSS ENERGY HOG
Is your home town gambling that gasoline and diesel won’t experience future shortages? That electricity outages and disruptions to critical services will be minimal? Probably. Find out what they SHOULD be doing in our article about fuel shortages and power outages.
Funny Gambling Quotes
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AUDIO CLIPS
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CATEGORY: HISTORY, FINANCIAL — 14.FEB.2015
Peak Prosperity
Either We Break the Bankster Alliances or They Will Break Us — Nomi Prins reviews the historical circumstances that led to the formation of the big-bank-controlled Federal Reserve; that is, how the financial foxes were put in charge of the public’s hen house. She then explains how many rich US elites in the late 1800s/early 1900s thought that keeping money flowing and not being too draconian helped the masses, which in turn helped the elites maintain the system that provided the wealth. But some bankers were not of a mind to play the game this way, and Louis Brandeis warned: ‘We must break the Money Trust or the Money Trust will break us.’ Nomi Prins says we are headed into a new era of high banker mischief, vast income gaps, and reckless behavior among leaders and elites. She says we must take heed of Brandeis’ warning and take down the banker-corporate-politician-industrial complex.
Go to page | Download/listen 52:45
GP comment: I have passed on a couple of Prins interviews earlier this year, but here she is starting to step outside the envelope and address the bankster power structure as the criminal enterprise that it truly is.
Original Show Pub Date: 31.Jan.2015
CATEGORY: MEDIA, EMPIRE — 13.FEB.2015
Democracy Now
Endless War, Endless War Spin — As Obama talks about a new major cycle of the war on terror — this time against the Islamic State — Norman Solomon of the Institute for Public Accuracy says Obama talks about not being interested in ‘endless war’ but is doing more than any previous president to engage the US in exactly that. Solomon also says Brain Williams’ worst lies about war were not his exaggerations of his personal experiences reporting from danger zones but rather his parroting the war propaganda of both the Bush and Obama administrations and his failure to challenge any aspect of the corrupt endless-war agenda. Of course, all the big names in media did the same. Finally, Solomon talks about the case of CIA whistleblower Jeffrey Sterling, who has been persecuted for exposing a dodgy CIA operation to the Senate Intelligence Committee.
Watch A | Watch B | Watch C
Download/listen 17:18
GP comment: Solomon is very good here. The title of his book gives some indication of his tone: War Made Easy: How Presidents and Pundits Keep Spinning Us to Death.
Original Show Pub Date: 12.Feb.2015 ~~ Original story titles … Endless War? Obama Sends Congress Expansive Anti-ISIS Measure 6 Months After Bombing Began ~~ Brian Williams Suspended for False Iraq Tale, But Media’s Real Scandal is the War Lies Spun Daily ~~ Was Jeffrey Sterling Trial a Gov’t Effort to Divide Investigative Journalists & Whistleblowers?
CATEGORY: EMPIRE — 11.FEB.2015
Uprising
Understanding the Roots of Terrorism — Theirs and Ours — Much of President Obama’s record-breaking defense budget proposal will fund proxy wars around the globe. The US is training and arming Sunni tribal groups in Iraq to fight ISIS, and it may soon begin supplying weapons to the Ukrainian military against Russia. Drone strikes continue to take their toll in Yemen and elsewhere. Meanwhile, a jingoistic film called ‘American Sniper’ glorifies killing and demonizes Muslims with virtually no historical context. Chris Hedges says most Americans accept the myth of American rightness and do-goodism while ignoring the obvious parallels in the terrorism practiced by the US and the terrorism practiced by ISIS and their ilk. He says the empire is not only busy abroad but is also quietly pre-positioning suppressive-force capabilities on the home front, in preparation for the inevitable pushback from the masses as their impoverishment worsens.
Go to page | Download/listen 27:32
GP comment: Many excellent points in this one.
Original Show Pub Date: 09.Feb.2015
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Check out our collection of funny gambling jokes. We are sure they will make you laugh. If you have any gambling jokes as good, upload them at the bottom of this page.
1) I just bet £100 at the bookies that they would find Maddie, at 1000–1 odds. That way, if they ever do find her, I’ll be able to afford a fucking good lawyer.
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2) Chuck-E-Cheese, because it’s never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling.
3) My wife has left me because I am a compulsive gambler. I’d do anything to win her back.
4) Poker is like sex — everyone thinks they’re the best, but most people don’t have a clue what they’re doing. Dutch Boyd
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5) What’s the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino? In a casino, you really mean it.
6) A blond girl playing freeroll was taking her time and playing very slow. The timer was started and she still could not take a decision how to play the hand. Her friend asked her with surprise, “What is going on? Why aren’t you playing?” The blond girl replied, “I am playing! I am just slow-playing aces!”
Check out some of the funniest Dumb Blonde Jokes ever
7) Why didn’t the elephant like to play cards in the jungle? Because there were too many cheetahs.
8) They say one in every seven friends have a gambling addiction. My money’s on Dave.
Check out Really Funny Money Jokes
9) What did the giraffe say to the tiger at the poker table? I thought you were a cheetah.
10) What’s the difference between a poker player and a dog? In about ten years, the dog quits whining.
Check out Really Funny Animal Jokes
11) Whats the difference between online poker and live poker? You can cry after a bad beat online and no one will laugh at you.
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12) Sign you might have a poker addiction: your kids are named check and raise.
13) I put a thousand pounds on a horse. The fucking thing collapsed.
Check out some of the best Horse Jokes ever published
14) Chuck Norris won the World Series of Poker using Pokemon cards.
15) “I am looking for the book named ‘How to win easily and fast with poker.’” “Please check at the fantastic literature counter.”
16. Husband Comes Home After Gambling
I came home from the pub four hours late last night.
“Where the fuck have you been?” screamed my wife.
I said, “I’ve been playing poker with some blokes.”
“Playing poker with some blokes?” she repeated. “Well, you can pack your bags and go!”
“So can you,” I said. “This isn’t our house anymore.”
17. Professional Gambler Screws Everyone In The Bar
Funny Gambling Photos Around The World
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks.”
The bartender said, “That’s fine, but we’re in the middle of the Depression, so I’ll need to see some money first.”
The guy pulled out a huge wad of notes and set them on the bar. The bartender can’t believe what he’s seeing. “Where did you get all that money?” asked the bartender.
“I’m a professional gambler,” replied the man.
The bartender said, “There’s no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?”
“Well, I only bet on sure things,” said the guy.
“Like what?” asked the bartender.
“Well, for example, I’ll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye,” he said.
The bartender thought about it. “Okay,” he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. “Aw, you screwed me,” said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
“I’ll give you another chance. I’ll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye,” said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, “Well, I know you’re not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I’ll take that bet.” So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
“Aw, you screwed me again!” protested the bartender.
“That’s how I win so much money, bartender. I’ll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars,” said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, “Bartender, I’ll give you one last chance. I’ll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whisky bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop.”
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn’t even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. “Okay, you’re on,” he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whisky bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, “Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!”
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, “That’s okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!”
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Related Links: 1. Gambling Jokes from Sickipedia.org 2. Gambling Jokes from Jokes4us.com
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